December Issue 2019
Credits : Diana L. Ragland
How To Defeat the Giant Called Anger
I was adopted as a 6-month-old baby. My mother was 17 years old and the family decided in the council to give me up for adoption. As they disagreed with the connection between my mother and my father. That my mother had a child from a black man was not desired. My family on my mother's side is Brazilian and her step-father was Italian . My father comes from Africa.
My father left Germany before I was born, he had no idea that I existed ! He found out about me only when my mother wrote him a letter. He tried to come into the country again but the state refused him the entry. Four years later he managed it, and the authorities told him that I was given away for adoption. The bad thing for my father was that my mother didn't let him be registered as a father in my birth certificate, so he had no chance and no rights to enforce. Fastforward I met my mother when I was 18 years old, unfortunately she showed almost no interest in me what really hurt me. Also she spoke badly about my father whom I did not know, I think she should've not done that - she was good at blaming others but to admit her own mistakes was far from her. She died in 2018 without clearing things up with us. I miss the conversation very much today that actually will never happen. And somehow I miss her. Matter of fact I've always missed her. I also must admit that I struggled with the so called negative mother-complex. Almost every failure in my life was connected to a woman. I can exactly tell you how it feels like. It feels like the long shadow of my biological mother and the absence in my psyche followed me . I was caged in my own mind and emotions...
Now onto my biological father. I met my father when I was 36 years old. I searched for him on Facebook and finally found him. I wrote to him and since I am registered as an alias artist name, he thought that I was a stranger in politics because he is very politically active - we talked past each other. And when we talked on the phone he understood that I was his son. 36 years of not knowing, who my father was. 36 years full of anger. 36 years of an untold story. Actually before even the approach on Facebook, I was so full of anger and disappointment that just hearing his name was a total rejection on my side. I always thought that he didn't love me. Thanks to my wife, who showed me little by little the importance of forgiving. Forgiving is a freeing power we often underestimate. You don't forgive to please others, you're doing it for your inner peace and for the most part, to overcome family trauma. It's not easy at all. Facing your fears and all emotions linked to it, is HUGE ! Just like standing in front of a giant. You have the authority to defeat him. It doesn't matter how tall you are. as long as you are confident and spiritually ready to destroy the toxicity in your life , you just go for it.
One year of battling with my toxic emotions I finally decided to go visit him. After long hours of conversation he felt so guilty that he couldn't be the father for me. He said that it was the biggest mistake of his life. I told him that I did not condemn him and that I understand that it was very difficult for him. My father talked about my mother with love in his heart and he cried when I told him that she had passed away. From that moment I knew that all those years were wasted and I wrongly believed the false accusations against him.
I forgive him. I understand him, a man who cries and is ashamed of his actions, is really sorry. These were hard times for me, there were times when I thought my life made no sense and wanted to give up. I hated myself for my fate and was not the one I am today. I went through hell and lesson learned.
The loss of my biological family sits deeply till this very moment, it will never be same.
True Story by Marcus Jealinho , Co-Founder
Black Pepper Magazine
The Red Fruit
Credits : @nursedaizy
Cat Burns is a 19 years-old artist and songwriter from the UK. She is ready to leave her musical mark on the UK music scene with her honest lyrics and vibe.
5 Days ago she released her newest song, called 'I don't blame you' . This song is our favorite right now. Lyrically deep and honest. Reflecting back to little Cat. The anger, disappointment and anxiety experienced as a child is definitely to blame but she has
defeated the giant and freed herself by forgivi